I am a nerd, through and through. I own more books than I do of any other material possession, I collect comics, I want my own sonic screwdriver (a TARDIS is a bit too ambitious, don't you think), I'm doing a double major in University, and my role model growing up was Lois Lane. This may explain why for the past month I've been ready for summer to end. Yes, I did just go there. Since the first week of August I have been counting down the days until summer was over and I could get back to school and study my little heart out.
I live for the days where I'm on campus from early morning to late night, the days where I drink copious amounts of caffeine (well, more even more than my usual obscene amounts of coffee) because I spent the night before cramming for a test or finishing an essay, the days where my eyes feel like they're about to fall out if I read one more word. I love school.
And I hate vacation. Well, I hate long vacations. Well, I hate long vacations where it feels like I'm doing nothing of particular interest or importance.
Now, I don't want it to sound like since school got out in April that I've been sitting on my rear bumper doing nothing; in fact it's quite the opposite. I took a spring course through May and June and I've been working on campus full time from May til right about now. I've been rather successful at keeping myself busy this summer. But it just didn't quench my geek thirst, despite my avid book reading and Doctor Who watching.
I belong in a classroom. This has been proven time and again in my life. I excelled in high school, not socially of course (I mean, I was the editor of the school paper; I was definitely not popular). But I was great at the real reason why teenagers are sent to high school: the "book smart" part. My teachers loved me and I loved the work they gave. I may have been the only person in class to not complain or grumble when we were given extra readings or whatnot (think Hermoine Granger, but less smug and not an awesome wizard). I even graduated a year younger than the other wizards, I mean students my age due to the fact that I started school a year sooner than I should have.
After I graduated I kind of flopped around a lot and didn't really commit to or succeed at anything. I worked at a call center, I volunteered full time and later worked at a church as a youth worker-type-person, I worked night shifts at a gas station, I moved to Ontario for 16 months, I was in two pretty serious relationships (at separate times) that I later broke off, I started Bible College through distance education, but didn't finish even one course.
When I was finally convinced to go back to school (four years after my high school graduation) one of my closest friends told me something that has really stuck with me because it's true. She said (not necessarily word-for-word) "You kind of peaked in high school Becks. You were on your game when you were in school and kind of dropped the ball afterwards. I'm really excited that you're going back to school though! You'll flourish there. You belong in a classroom." And she was so right!
My place is in a lecture hall or a breakout room with a textbook or two in my lap and notes in front of me. I do well when my nose is buried in a book. This is why vacations tend to suck for me. I hate being away from what I love.
I understand that you need a certain amount of time away from school and that your brain would basically blow up otherwise, blah blah blah. But I really do miss school almost the exact minute it's over. I have no clue what I plan to do once I graduate and get into my chosen field of work. Mind you, I am planning on becoming a lawyer and that job entails a lot of writing, research, and reading so everything may turn out okay (it's almost like I chose that field for a reason or something ridiculous like that).
Anyway, this was a blog that I intended to go in a slightly different direction, but my thoughts got away from me (as per usual). It's also not the blog that I had promised all those months ago (but it's still something).
Moral of the blog: I'm a nerd, I enjoy school (possible far too much), and I need to learn to enjoy my time off of school.
'Til next time,
-B
Follow my insanity on Twitter!
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Sunday, 1 April 2012
"Jaws" Tweet Blast
Hey Homeslices! I'm working on a new blog entry (a real one), but in the meantime I figured I'd compile this collection while you're all waiting (because I know that all of your lives revolve around my every word, haha). The following are the tweets that I wrote while watching one of my favorite movies Jaws on February 25th. Enjoy!
It worries me that the largest shark is recorded to have been found off the coast of where I live... http://www.jawshark.com/great_white_recorded_sizes.html (watching #Jaws)
*Correction to my last tweet: one of the largest Great White Sharks...
May I just say that the mayor in this movie drives me up a wall and I almost wish that he gets eaten by the shark... #Jaws
"It's only an Island if you look at it from the water." "Well that makes a lot of sense" HAHAHA! I love #Jaws!
Dreyfuss, why would you get in the water when there is a known man-killing shark on the loose? #Jaws
I really, really, really dislike the mayor. Why does he survive this movie?! #Jaws
"You're the mayor of shark-town!" haha! #Jaws
Quint has such an epic facial expression right now... #Jaws
And that fishing line does NOT look thick enough for shark fishing... I watch too much #RiverMonsters. It ruins Shark movies for me. #Jaws
John Williams... you're the man! #Jaws
Quint's story of the thousands of sharks still confuses me.. how did this happen? #Jaws
Quint always reminded me of Captain Ahab from Moby Dick... #Jaws
A handgun... against a 25 ft Great White... REALLY? C'mon! #Jaws
Did Quint just say that he was going to drown a shark? *facepalm* #Jaws
Clarinet solo! Thank you John Williams! :) #Jaws
And cue ominous music to tell you to feel scared! #Jaws
Why is the shark cage being held by only a normal piece of rope? What happens if the shark bites if off? #Jaws
That shark is definitely more than 25 feet long... #Jaws
Oh yea... I forgot that Quint died in this movie... *sad face* #Jaws
And down goes the little boat... #Jaws
NOW he gets a shot gun... honestly... #Jaws
And big explosion to end the movie... are you sure this is a Speilburg film and not Michael Bay? haha #Jaws
Did I really just write over 20 tweets about #Jaws?... I need a life, haha
So there ya have it homeslices, don't forget to follow my insanity on Twitter, because you know that if I can write over 20 Tweets about Jaws then following me makes you awesome!
My real blog post should be up in the next few days.
'Til next time,
-B
Sunday, 25 March 2012
How Can This Ever Be Good?
I have been blessed with depression.
Yes, you read that correctly: blessed. No I was not being sarcastic. No I was not mocking anyone or anything. I legitimately mean it; I have been blessed with the gift of depression.
I know I'm making your head hurt, and I'm sorry. But stay with me for a few minutes while I explain my word choice. Hopefully the ache in your head with lessen or maybe even completely go away by the time I'm done.
Summarized Back Story: My life growing up wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't ideal. There were some unpleasant events that happened in my childhood and they (un)fortunately helped shape me. As a teenager I went through the usual angst that most go through, only mine never really went away. It grew up a bit, in that it's less & less about trivial matters and more & more about larger life and/or world issues. But I was never able to get past that constant unhappy feeling in the back of my mind. I couldn't change it, run from it, or force it to be happy. When I was 18 years old I finally went to my doctor at the time, became officially diagnosed with clinical depression, received a prescription for an anti-depressant, and was recommended to a psychologist. After a while I enrolled in a 16 month, residential, intensive counseling program; while still taking my anti-depressants. After I graduated from the program I moved back home, fell back into some destructive patterns, and generally screwed my life up for a year or so. After that got old and I realized what I was doing, in an attempt to get my act together I moved 5 hours away to a tiny little (sometimes backwards) island in Canada called PEI, enrolled in University and am now in the process of finishing my first year (yay me). Over all my life is generally great, but there are still days (the majority of days, in fact) where it's a battle every morning to get out of bed. I'm seeing a counselor here on the Island, but there is that feeling that my life is basically horrible... or something to that extent.
But here's the thing: my depression is a blessing to me. I have not been able to see it as this until recently and I certainly don't see it as such all the time. But it is such a blessing in my life. For so many years (and I really do mean many, pretty much since I was 10 or 11) I have prayed, and begged, and pleaded with God: "Please, please take this from me. This is a burden I can not bear. This is too heavy for me to hold. I can't do this anymore! Either take this depression from me, or take me from this earth." I would go to bed praying for an endless sleep and be disappointed when I woke up still alive.
After I was on my anti-depressants things got a bit better. I would still pray prayers similar to those above, but they were more like: "Please help me with this. You've given me the tools to deal with this, but it's a little too heavy right now. Could you lend me a hand?" And on the days that were good I praised Him and thanked Him for the blessing of a day that I didn't have to fight the darkness inside my mind. I thanked Him for the one day of relief because it gave me strength for the days ahead where there would be no reprieve. But even then I viewed it as a curse. Something that I managed. Something that caused me to suffer through life until those blessed days where I was able to see the sun shining.
Several months ago I was listening to a sermon being delivered by a keynote speaker at a conference held at one of the many churches on PEI. He spoke about depression and things like it. At the end of his sermon he read a letter from a very dear friend of his mother's who suffers from massive depression (the friend, not the mother). I can not remember what the letter said, but I do remember its impact on me. Whatever was in that letter opened my eyes to the blessing that depression is in my life. And slowly my outlook began to change, but God wasn't (and isn't) finished with me yet.
Just this Sunday the pastor at my church was speaking on how God answers every prayer, but we don't always see it. And this isn't anything that I haven't heard before, since I've grown up in the church; but he really put a new spin on it. What he said brought me back to that place where I was able to see my depression as a gift and I began to think about it more.
Here's the thing: my depression has almost always led me to a closer relationship and dependance on God. On the days where it takes every ounce of my energy and willpower to get out of bed, I pray for strength and for help. On the days where I can see a clear sky and I am bursting full of energy, I thank him for the reprieve.
Did God cause me to be depressed, solely for this purpose? I honestly don't know, but I don't think so. My depression may be from a predisposition in my brain chemicals (it tends to run on the female side of my family); it may be an unconscious response to some of the unpleasant incidences from my childhood; it may be something seasonal prone to occur when my Vitamin D is low; it may be a combination of all of the above... I don't really know exactly what caused/causes it, and I don't know if it's at God's hands. But I do know that God uses it for His glory.
My depression brings me to my knees before God everyday, either in request or in thanks. It causes me to rely on Him. This is what I would define as a blessing. Something in my life that forces me to see God in my everyday and forces me to kneel before Him daily, sometimes hourly. My depression is a blessing and I am grateful for how God uses me because of it.
'Til next time,
-B
Follow my insanity on Twitter!
Yes, you read that correctly: blessed. No I was not being sarcastic. No I was not mocking anyone or anything. I legitimately mean it; I have been blessed with the gift of depression.
I know I'm making your head hurt, and I'm sorry. But stay with me for a few minutes while I explain my word choice. Hopefully the ache in your head with lessen or maybe even completely go away by the time I'm done.
Summarized Back Story: My life growing up wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't ideal. There were some unpleasant events that happened in my childhood and they (un)fortunately helped shape me. As a teenager I went through the usual angst that most go through, only mine never really went away. It grew up a bit, in that it's less & less about trivial matters and more & more about larger life and/or world issues. But I was never able to get past that constant unhappy feeling in the back of my mind. I couldn't change it, run from it, or force it to be happy. When I was 18 years old I finally went to my doctor at the time, became officially diagnosed with clinical depression, received a prescription for an anti-depressant, and was recommended to a psychologist. After a while I enrolled in a 16 month, residential, intensive counseling program; while still taking my anti-depressants. After I graduated from the program I moved back home, fell back into some destructive patterns, and generally screwed my life up for a year or so. After that got old and I realized what I was doing, in an attempt to get my act together I moved 5 hours away to a tiny little (sometimes backwards) island in Canada called PEI, enrolled in University and am now in the process of finishing my first year (yay me). Over all my life is generally great, but there are still days (the majority of days, in fact) where it's a battle every morning to get out of bed. I'm seeing a counselor here on the Island, but there is that feeling that my life is basically horrible... or something to that extent.
But here's the thing: my depression is a blessing to me. I have not been able to see it as this until recently and I certainly don't see it as such all the time. But it is such a blessing in my life. For so many years (and I really do mean many, pretty much since I was 10 or 11) I have prayed, and begged, and pleaded with God: "Please, please take this from me. This is a burden I can not bear. This is too heavy for me to hold. I can't do this anymore! Either take this depression from me, or take me from this earth." I would go to bed praying for an endless sleep and be disappointed when I woke up still alive.
After I was on my anti-depressants things got a bit better. I would still pray prayers similar to those above, but they were more like: "Please help me with this. You've given me the tools to deal with this, but it's a little too heavy right now. Could you lend me a hand?" And on the days that were good I praised Him and thanked Him for the blessing of a day that I didn't have to fight the darkness inside my mind. I thanked Him for the one day of relief because it gave me strength for the days ahead where there would be no reprieve. But even then I viewed it as a curse. Something that I managed. Something that caused me to suffer through life until those blessed days where I was able to see the sun shining.
Several months ago I was listening to a sermon being delivered by a keynote speaker at a conference held at one of the many churches on PEI. He spoke about depression and things like it. At the end of his sermon he read a letter from a very dear friend of his mother's who suffers from massive depression (the friend, not the mother). I can not remember what the letter said, but I do remember its impact on me. Whatever was in that letter opened my eyes to the blessing that depression is in my life. And slowly my outlook began to change, but God wasn't (and isn't) finished with me yet.
Just this Sunday the pastor at my church was speaking on how God answers every prayer, but we don't always see it. And this isn't anything that I haven't heard before, since I've grown up in the church; but he really put a new spin on it. What he said brought me back to that place where I was able to see my depression as a gift and I began to think about it more.
Here's the thing: my depression has almost always led me to a closer relationship and dependance on God. On the days where it takes every ounce of my energy and willpower to get out of bed, I pray for strength and for help. On the days where I can see a clear sky and I am bursting full of energy, I thank him for the reprieve.
Did God cause me to be depressed, solely for this purpose? I honestly don't know, but I don't think so. My depression may be from a predisposition in my brain chemicals (it tends to run on the female side of my family); it may be an unconscious response to some of the unpleasant incidences from my childhood; it may be something seasonal prone to occur when my Vitamin D is low; it may be a combination of all of the above... I don't really know exactly what caused/causes it, and I don't know if it's at God's hands. But I do know that God uses it for His glory.
My depression brings me to my knees before God everyday, either in request or in thanks. It causes me to rely on Him. This is what I would define as a blessing. Something in my life that forces me to see God in my everyday and forces me to kneel before Him daily, sometimes hourly. My depression is a blessing and I am grateful for how God uses me because of it.
'Til next time,
-B
Follow my insanity on Twitter!
Yes, Another Move.
Hello Homeslices,
Okay, I know this is my third blog move in about a year's time. But I just can't seem to find a blog site that offers everything that I want. I had a friend recommend this one to me and so here I am making a new blog. Please bear with me as I go through the painful process of customizing it and making into something that doesn't make you want to slowly claw your eyes out.
My previous blog was: http://thatcrazybecca.tumblr.com/
And the one before that is linked in the post "Hello World" in October 2011.
I have a new post idea bouncing around in my head and I am hoping to have it up here before this weekend. Don't hold me to that, though. As you can see, I am a horrible blogger when it comes to keeping a schedule. One of my New Year's resolutions was to blog at least once a month... guess I failed that one.
'Til next time,
-B
Follow my insanity on Twitter!
Okay, I know this is my third blog move in about a year's time. But I just can't seem to find a blog site that offers everything that I want. I had a friend recommend this one to me and so here I am making a new blog. Please bear with me as I go through the painful process of customizing it and making into something that doesn't make you want to slowly claw your eyes out.
My previous blog was: http://thatcrazybecca.tumblr.com/
And the one before that is linked in the post "Hello World" in October 2011.
I have a new post idea bouncing around in my head and I am hoping to have it up here before this weekend. Don't hold me to that, though. As you can see, I am a horrible blogger when it comes to keeping a schedule. One of my New Year's resolutions was to blog at least once a month... guess I failed that one.
'Til next time,
-B
Follow my insanity on Twitter!
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